Poem of the Dead

Mostly I put updates on Facebook now, but really I should visit my blog more often. I like writing longer things, but just don’t find the time for it often enough. In fact, right now I just stopped by to post a poem I wrote in December. I wrote it in a moment of pain and processing.

Poem of the Dead

December 4, 2010

The baby’s breath you brought me sits there

Dulling with time

It’s sweet savor seems almost sickening now

Sitting there

You’re gone

Nothin’ left but a chill with this cool wind

Time goes…

By

Your breath, your touch, your arms

Gone

My heart in pieces flutter away in the autumn wind

Summer is gone

Snow falls, I fill my chest to freeze what was left

Of me

Numbness is my friend

The love of my life, maybe

What curse led you my way?

What price could possibly be left for me to pay?

Jesus took it all on the cross

Yet sin still kills

This heart of mine

The pain you’ve left me with

Is the sorrow I shall live with

Happily ever after was always just a dream

But so was our love

And all that is left is a vase full of bad breath

My youth has faded

What is left of me?

Why did you take it all from me?

What did I ever do to you besides love thee?

That young girl who would smile

Love

Kiss

Bear you children

Tend your flocks

Weed your gardens

Clean your house

Is just sad

Lonely

Half dead

An aftermath of catastrophe

High Blood Pressure and Salt

I learned something new today; if you have high blood pressure and don't want to lower your salt intake, taking potassium does the same thing for your body! Salt and potassium balance each other out. The average person takes 1,600 mg. less potassium than is recommended. A good way to get more potassium in your diet is to consume more of the following:

Oranges
Cantaloupe
Avocado
Bananas
Strawberries
Apricots
Tomatoes
Potatoes
Cabbage
Cucumber
Eggplant
Cauliflower
Chard
Bell pepper
Squash
Brussels sprouts
Turmeric
Parsley
Spinach
Crimini mushrooms
Broccoli
Halibut
Tuna


Here is a list of some foods high in potassium and their potassium content from the USDA National Nutrient Database:

Potassium Rich Foods	Weight	Measure	Potassium Content
Raw, baby carrots	10	1 medium	24 mg
Raw Lettuce	10	1 leaf	19 mg
Raw Onions	14	1 slice	20 mg
Fresh Strawberries	12	1 strawberry	18 mg
Raw Garlic	3	1 clove	12 mg
Honey	21	1 tablespoon	11 mg
Raw Radishes	4.5	1 radish	10 mg
Raw Peppers	10	1 ring	18 mg
White Bread	23	1 slice	17 mg
Papayas	304	1 papaya	781 mg
Lima Beans	188	1 cup	955 mg
Plantains	179	1 medium	893 mg
Jerusalem Artichokes	150	1 cup	644 mg
Bananas	118	1 banana	422 mg
Oat Bran	94	1 cup	532 mg
Tomatoes	255	1 cup	528 mg
Cucumber	301	1 large	442 mg
Cantaloupe	160	1 cup	427 mg
Pears	275	1 pear	333 mg
Mangoes	207	1 mango	323 mg

Elizabeth Drawing

Here's a short video I made of Elizabeth when she was about 14 months old.

Living Green and Garbage

For those of you who know me really well, you know I’m really not into all this “live green” hype. Still, I see no reason to waste when it’s unnecessary and I’m not big into filling landfills so quickly! I also see no reason to spend when you don’t need to. Especially now. Having what I can spend cut down by more than half (due to divorce, of course) has made me begin to realize how many extras I really had and how much money I may have wasted. To some extent, I’ve really enjoyed my new challenge of learning to save, reuse more, use others’ garbage, and rely on God to provide (even if it’s just an amazing savings on something!) I have been utterly amazed at how wasteful our country is… although, I must say, I’m very thankful! Yesterday, if you could have seen me when I thought no one could, you would have seen me standing in a dumpster holding a bunch of bok choy (not a thing wrong with it) thanking God aloud for how wasteful this country is. Don’t get me wrong… waste is bad. But there is a big, fat IF. If others don’t use these awesome items that are thrown away, waste is bad. If others get to benefit from this waste, then it’s good. Just over the past 1 1/2 weeks I’ve gotten at least $140 worth of produce from dumpsters. It seems things are thrown away when there is a bruise (I wouldn’t want to pay for it either… haha), have little wrinkles or look a tad too wilted to pay for. I’ve found many, many heads of lettuce that have just gotten too small from the grocers taking leaves off each day to make it look nicer, perfectly good green onions and bags of potatoes (red and Idaho), tomatoes (some getting a tad dry, but are still great for cooking), bell peppers with a bruised spot or just an imperfection (not as pretty), broccoli and cauliflower that was getting a little limp (doesn’t make a difference if you’re cooking it), radishes and beets that needed the green tops cut off, apples, mangoes, plums, and the list goes on! And that’s in grocery store dumpsters alone. I’ve found so much of some of these items that I’ve had to clean, cut, and freeze a lot. It’s great, though, because I love having things on stock for when I need them for a recipe!

I’ve had great luck at a few other types of stores, too. My finds at these places have included:

• A large piece of plexiglass (about 3’x4’).
• $160 leather Ecco shoes in the box – the display pair that were 1/4 of a European size off from one another (you can hardly tell the difference).
• 2 big garbage bags full of fake flowers (still in the bouquets they were being sold in – prices ranged anywhere from $19.99-$119.99.
• Vases.
• Frames (some with cracked glass, others with a small flaw in the frame – I take them all and put the crack-free glass in the good frames).
• A metal sippy cup (it had been returned, because someone couldn’t figure out how to get water out of it – there was a small plastic piece that had to be removed).
• 2 dozen red roses.
• Blank labels.
• A pet stool that can handle up to 40 pounds – great for a toddler.
• Mattresses and box springs still in the plastic (I didn’t actually take these since I didn’t have the right vehicle for it).
• Display desks and shelves (you know those ones you see in the store that are already set up for you to see what the box kit will look like later? Yeah. In the dumpster.) I also didn’t take these since I’ve been dumpster diving with my new-to-me mini van – it would be nice to have a pick up truck for those finds.
• Bathroom hardware (towel hanger, hooks, toilet paper holder, etc.).
• A framed painting I have displayed in my home now.
• An entire bag full of wooden kitchen utensils all individually wrapped in plastic (my sister, Mariah and I split up this bag between the two of us).
• Emery boards – it looks like after clearance they just tossed what didn’t sell. They also cracked most of them in half as they threw them away. I’ll get more into that in a moment.
• A French fry cutter (a friend of mine diving with me got that find).
• A beautiful metal headboard and foot board.
• A key chain.
• A wooden toy plane.
• Shells.

I’m sure there’s more that I’m forgetting.

It’s really disappointing how many places have dumpsters that are made inaccessible; either chained up, padlocked, or connected to the inside of the building with no way to get in from the outside. I understand that many businesses have had to lock up their dumpsters due to people dumping in them and that’s such a bummer. It’s too bad you can’t trust people to do the right thing! There is one thing I really cannot stand, though, and that’s the places that mess up the stuff they’re throwing away. R.E.I., for example. They throw away many pairs of boots/shoes that have been returned, but they put at least one long slash in each boot/shoe before throwing it out. They do the same with just about anything worth anything in their dumpster. I don’t really see the point to this. If anyone is willing to dumpster dive, do you really think they’d be a customer? I mean, would someone who could easily afford leather boots from R.E.I. normally consider looking in the dumpster first? Also, what is the chance of them being that person’s size? And those emery boards I found at Bed, Bath, & Beyond… it’s like, seriously? You have time to pay your employees to crack 98% of the emery boards in half so no one can use them? (I can, actually – I’m going to use them to distress paper in crafting projects.) Bed, Bath, & Beyond also like to spray paint most of their trash red. Kind of dumb.

Good things to take with you when dumpster diving include:

• Gloves
• Clean garbage bags
• Grocery-type bags
• A clean box (although, you’ll probably find plenty of these while diving).
• A flashlight (for evening dives).
• A stick for poking around – although I haven’t actually used one yet, I can see where one may come in handy. I’d really love one of those things for picking up items that people cannot easily reach when they having bending problems.
• A friend/partner – especially for evening dives.

Well, if I haven’t inspired you to check out your own local dumpsters, I hope I have at least entertained you a little. I’m sure I’ll get into other ways to save, reuse, etc. again sometime soon. I’ve been pretty focused on that subject over the past month. Count this as my “Living on Less”, chapter 1 - Dumpster Diving. LOL. You know what I just thought of? You could totally feed chickens the produce from dumpsters, too (the stuff you may not want to take for yourself – loose lettuce leaves and stuff). Practically free eggs.

Divorce

My divorce from Brad was final on Tuesday, October 26, 2010. Earlier this year I would never have thought I’d be divorced only a few months after my own parents. It’s crazy how quickly things can change.

I feel I’ve been in shock ever since I found out about the affair and Brad’s 5th child. Now, I’m slowly (some days not so slowly) crawling out of the shock. It can be scary at times. A few days this week it felt like the shock was completely gone and I was unprotected from the pain. It felt overwhelming and left me a sobbing mess at times. Oddly enough, shock seems to be helping guard me from the blunt force of betrayal and loss. Some of it must have come back after those few days, because I pulled myself together well enough the past two days to go to my sister’s baby shower, dumpster dive, talk to friends/family without crying at all, take care of my household, and school my children.

My household is unpacked now, although my craft room remains unorganized. I just need some parts for a shelf I have and can have that room organized and ready to use in an afternoon. Unfortunately, the parts that were lost in the move are hard to find. Oh well… hopefully I’ll find some at Home Depot or online so that I can finish up that room. I’m really in no hurry. I don’t feel very inspired lately anyway.

The children continue to progress quickly in their schooling (especially reading right now). I get excited at least a few times a week over that. With all the drama in my life over the past 1 1/2+ years, I was beginning to wonder if I’d be able to succeed in my quest to educate my children myself. It seems I can, am, and will – praise God! I really am beginning to more seriously realize I’m totally at the mercy of God, because I don’t know how I would stay glued together without His help.

Elizabeth is changing at a fast rate. She hardly ever crawls now, is walking and even beginning to run. She is getting a bit more independent of me, spending a lot of time playing with her siblings. Sometimes her and Robbie will play together while I work with Ethan and Madeleine on their lessons, which is nice/different. Normally, in the past, I’d be expecting another baby by now and be completely exhausted going through the first trimester.

Well, I better sign off for now. My children have realized I’m busy writing and think that means they can sneak off without finishing their lessons. Boy, do they have another thing coming! :) I’ll leave you for now with a few pictures, but will be back with another entry real soon.

Elizabeth laying on her belly to draw.

My beautiful sister, Kara reading to Ethan, Madeleine, and Robbie.

My lovely mother with Elizabeth.

Mischief – Robbie and Elizabeth.

All four of my children: Robbie, Elizabeth, Madeleine, and Ethan. They just won’t cooperate in a picture together for me. Ethan would NOT quit making his “pirate” face during the entire photo shoot, of course the middle children wouldn’t quit laughing at Ethan, and Elizabeth (who I wasn’t paying enough attention to, apparently) was shoving something in her mouth. Oh well… maybe better luck next time!

My sweet, beautiful daughters.

Robbie getting cozy on top of the freezer. I guess he was tired of the photo shoot.

A storm moving in – the view out the backside of my home.

Broken Vows

I hardly know where to start.  My life has changed dramatically.  I guess I’ll just begin with where I ended.  After staying at the Hampton Inn for awhile, my children and I moved back into a small house in Missoula, Montana that we had stayed in for a couple of months prior to May.  It’s a cute, little, one bedroom/one bathroom house that I loved.  Near the end of our stay I was basically tired of not having a bedroom for the kids, though.  Anyway… we stayed in the cute house from June 1st till the end of August.  Brad came back in June, but ended up leaving for Seattle again near the end of July.  He told me he was just going to go pick up some truck parts in Spokane, but when I called him that evening, he said he was going to Seattle again.  I was unhappy about it, of course.  I don’t like being tricked and didn’t understand why he hadn’t been upfront with his plan to continue on to Seattle for work purposes.  I found out shortly after that, though… 

I did a Google search on HPV (the virus that is the cause of all warts) and saw some pictures that looked like something Brad had.  I quickly realized while reading that they were a STD, which concerned me greatly.  I felt panicked and yet, at the same time, figured it was nothing.  I decided to get checked out to be sure I didn’t have any STD’s (I knew the only way I would get something would be from Brad being unfaithful – he has been my one and only).  Before going to the doctor’s office, though, I talked to Brad on the phone and told him about the pictures and that I was going to get checked out.  I laughingly asked him, “You haven’t had an affair, have you?”  He replied chuckling, “I wouldn’t tell you if I had.”  Then I realized… “That means you have!  How long?… How long?… How long?”  I said it until he answered, “About a year and a half.”  He continued on and told me the girl had had a baby in May.  The betrayal hit me like a boulder.  I didn’t even know what to do with the information.  I don’t remember the rest of our conversation, but know it ended in tears.

I ended up getting checked for just about every STD under the sun and got a clean report (praise God), but my family is broken.  Long story short, my marriage is over.  Brad is sorry he hurt me, but wants to live a polygamist lifestyle.  I’m unwilling to live that way and don’t believe it to be right.  Last week he said he was willing to live a monogamist lifestyle with me and be reconciled to me, but some of the things he said and did made serious red flags go up in my mind and I realized if there is ever a time to reconcile it isn’t now.  He isn’t ready and to be quite honest, unless there is a miraculous change in his life, I’ll never be ready either.  Our legal divorce is nearly done.

I’m on my own now with my four beautiful children.  We found a country setting not far from Missoula.  It’s a 3 bedroom, 1 1/2 bathroom home (about 1300 square feet) on 5 acres.  I plan on getting chickens this autumn or next spring and having my milk cow moved nearby.  This place seems just about perfect for us.  I’m very thankful to God for providing for all of our needs and taking care of us through this difficult time.

Ethan and Madeleine are getting in a good routine of doing their schoolwork each day and I’m very pleased with the progress we’re making in that already in spite of all the ups and downs we’ve been through lately and all the unpacking that has had to be done.

I hope to have the rest of our household unpacked soon.  I’m just wanting to get on with my life right now.  There is a lot of grief left in me, but I wish I could just avoid it.  I’m tired of crying, hurting, and being angry.  I’m tired of missing what I thought I had.  I’m so tired of the pain.  It has been the most difficult 1 1/2 years (beginning with something that happened to/with my parents) of my life and I’m truly hoping 2011 is a year of peace, love, and joy.  Sounds like Christmas, huh?

An Update

Brad has been away on business, so when I saw Elizabeth excitedly watching a T.V. show about grizzly bears, I decided to make a little video for him of her. I was hoping she would say, "Dadda" for him, but she didn't. :) The video turned out pretty good, so I decided to share it with all of you, too! So, without further ado, here is my little cutie: