Broken Vows

I hardly know where to start.  My life has changed dramatically.  I guess I’ll just begin with where I ended.  After staying at the Hampton Inn for awhile, my children and I moved back into a small house in Missoula, Montana that we had stayed in for a couple of months prior to May.  It’s a cute, little, one bedroom/one bathroom house that I loved.  Near the end of our stay I was basically tired of not having a bedroom for the kids, though.  Anyway… we stayed in the cute house from June 1st till the end of August.  Brad came back in June, but ended up leaving for Seattle again near the end of July.  He told me he was just going to go pick up some truck parts in Spokane, but when I called him that evening, he said he was going to Seattle again.  I was unhappy about it, of course.  I don’t like being tricked and didn’t understand why he hadn’t been upfront with his plan to continue on to Seattle for work purposes.  I found out shortly after that, though… 

I did a Google search on HPV (the virus that is the cause of all warts) and saw some pictures that looked like something Brad had.  I quickly realized while reading that they were a STD, which concerned me greatly.  I felt panicked and yet, at the same time, figured it was nothing.  I decided to get checked out to be sure I didn’t have any STD’s (I knew the only way I would get something would be from Brad being unfaithful – he has been my one and only).  Before going to the doctor’s office, though, I talked to Brad on the phone and told him about the pictures and that I was going to get checked out.  I laughingly asked him, “You haven’t had an affair, have you?”  He replied chuckling, “I wouldn’t tell you if I had.”  Then I realized… “That means you have!  How long?… How long?… How long?”  I said it until he answered, “About a year and a half.”  He continued on and told me the girl had had a baby in May.  The betrayal hit me like a boulder.  I didn’t even know what to do with the information.  I don’t remember the rest of our conversation, but know it ended in tears.

I ended up getting checked for just about every STD under the sun and got a clean report (praise God), but my family is broken.  Long story short, my marriage is over.  Brad is sorry he hurt me, but wants to live a polygamist lifestyle.  I’m unwilling to live that way and don’t believe it to be right.  Last week he said he was willing to live a monogamist lifestyle with me and be reconciled to me, but some of the things he said and did made serious red flags go up in my mind and I realized if there is ever a time to reconcile it isn’t now.  He isn’t ready and to be quite honest, unless there is a miraculous change in his life, I’ll never be ready either.  Our legal divorce is nearly done.

I’m on my own now with my four beautiful children.  We found a country setting not far from Missoula.  It’s a 3 bedroom, 1 1/2 bathroom home (about 1300 square feet) on 5 acres.  I plan on getting chickens this autumn or next spring and having my milk cow moved nearby.  This place seems just about perfect for us.  I’m very thankful to God for providing for all of our needs and taking care of us through this difficult time.

Ethan and Madeleine are getting in a good routine of doing their schoolwork each day and I’m very pleased with the progress we’re making in that already in spite of all the ups and downs we’ve been through lately and all the unpacking that has had to be done.

I hope to have the rest of our household unpacked soon.  I’m just wanting to get on with my life right now.  There is a lot of grief left in me, but I wish I could just avoid it.  I’m tired of crying, hurting, and being angry.  I’m tired of missing what I thought I had.  I’m so tired of the pain.  It has been the most difficult 1 1/2 years (beginning with something that happened to/with my parents) of my life and I’m truly hoping 2011 is a year of peace, love, and joy.  Sounds like Christmas, huh?