Broken Vows

I hardly know where to start.  My life has changed dramatically.  I guess I’ll just begin with where I ended.  After staying at the Hampton Inn for awhile, my children and I moved back into a small house in Missoula, Montana that we had stayed in for a couple of months prior to May.  It’s a cute, little, one bedroom/one bathroom house that I loved.  Near the end of our stay I was basically tired of not having a bedroom for the kids, though.  Anyway… we stayed in the cute house from June 1st till the end of August.  Brad came back in June, but ended up leaving for Seattle again near the end of July.  He told me he was just going to go pick up some truck parts in Spokane, but when I called him that evening, he said he was going to Seattle again.  I was unhappy about it, of course.  I don’t like being tricked and didn’t understand why he hadn’t been upfront with his plan to continue on to Seattle for work purposes.  I found out shortly after that, though… 

I did a Google search on HPV (the virus that is the cause of all warts) and saw some pictures that looked like something Brad had.  I quickly realized while reading that they were a STD, which concerned me greatly.  I felt panicked and yet, at the same time, figured it was nothing.  I decided to get checked out to be sure I didn’t have any STD’s (I knew the only way I would get something would be from Brad being unfaithful – he has been my one and only).  Before going to the doctor’s office, though, I talked to Brad on the phone and told him about the pictures and that I was going to get checked out.  I laughingly asked him, “You haven’t had an affair, have you?”  He replied chuckling, “I wouldn’t tell you if I had.”  Then I realized… “That means you have!  How long?… How long?… How long?”  I said it until he answered, “About a year and a half.”  He continued on and told me the girl had had a baby in May.  The betrayal hit me like a boulder.  I didn’t even know what to do with the information.  I don’t remember the rest of our conversation, but know it ended in tears.

I ended up getting checked for just about every STD under the sun and got a clean report (praise God), but my family is broken.  Long story short, my marriage is over.  Brad is sorry he hurt me, but wants to live a polygamist lifestyle.  I’m unwilling to live that way and don’t believe it to be right.  Last week he said he was willing to live a monogamist lifestyle with me and be reconciled to me, but some of the things he said and did made serious red flags go up in my mind and I realized if there is ever a time to reconcile it isn’t now.  He isn’t ready and to be quite honest, unless there is a miraculous change in his life, I’ll never be ready either.  Our legal divorce is nearly done.

I’m on my own now with my four beautiful children.  We found a country setting not far from Missoula.  It’s a 3 bedroom, 1 1/2 bathroom home (about 1300 square feet) on 5 acres.  I plan on getting chickens this autumn or next spring and having my milk cow moved nearby.  This place seems just about perfect for us.  I’m very thankful to God for providing for all of our needs and taking care of us through this difficult time.

Ethan and Madeleine are getting in a good routine of doing their schoolwork each day and I’m very pleased with the progress we’re making in that already in spite of all the ups and downs we’ve been through lately and all the unpacking that has had to be done.

I hope to have the rest of our household unpacked soon.  I’m just wanting to get on with my life right now.  There is a lot of grief left in me, but I wish I could just avoid it.  I’m tired of crying, hurting, and being angry.  I’m tired of missing what I thought I had.  I’m so tired of the pain.  It has been the most difficult 1 1/2 years (beginning with something that happened to/with my parents) of my life and I’m truly hoping 2011 is a year of peace, love, and joy.  Sounds like Christmas, huh?

An Update

Brad has been away on business, so when I saw Elizabeth excitedly watching a T.V. show about grizzly bears, I decided to make a little video for him of her. I was hoping she would say, "Dadda" for him, but she didn't. :) The video turned out pretty good, so I decided to share it with all of you, too! So, without further ado, here is my little cutie:

Celebration! (Not for Those With a Weak Stomach)

I am SO happy to report that it has been well over a week since Robbie has used a diaper! He is officially potty trained. It is one my favorite milestones that a toddler reaches. As a mother, after changing stinky diaper after stinky diaper (day after day), I'm ready to put a party on when a child gets potty trained! For awhile, I won't have any diapers to change that make me feel like holding my breath, or that cause me to sit there praying I won't vomit (I know it sounds a bit exaggerated, but when I have a flu bug or just have an upset stomach and I'm faced with a big diaper load of you-know-what, I DO feel like I may throw up). For some of you, this may come as a surprise. I look like one of those moms where nothing bothers me. Well, I smile as I hold my breath! That smell does bother me (even after four children), though. I feel like I must be like my grandma, who during every diaper change would have to say how disgusting it was and she would make faces. She was just honest about how she felt about it... I try to keep it to myself most of the time. I remember watching her change my red-headed cousin's diaper a couple of times and thinking it was pretty funny... until my grandma had to wipe my butt. That wasn't funny. I was already embarrassed by the fact that anyone had to wipe my butt, but then my grandma would go on and on about how disgusting it was - that was embarrassing! I did learn from it, though... I learned not to do that to kids. When, like Robbie, they need their butts wiped after going number 2, I keep my opinion of what is in the toilet to myself.

So, all of this to say, my little guy is potty trained! He doesn't even need a diaper during the night. He just became determined to be a big guy (in that area) and started using the toilet. Brad took Robbie out to get a package of boxer shorts, which Robbie is quite proud of, and Robbie wears a pair each day. I didn't even know they made boxer shorts that small until Brad found them! They're kinda cute. Well, especially on such a cute little feller. :)

While we're on the subject of Robbie, I would like to bring up that about 3 weeks ago he started teaching himself how to get dressed. That stage with a toddler is mostly cute - especially at first! He usually puts his pants on backwards and it's about a 40% chance (still) that he'll put his shirt on backwards. With this new knowledge, comes opinion. He now has a strong opinion as to what he wears! It's kind of neat seeing a bit more of his personality. I always like that with the children. When Ethan went through this stage I learned that he LOVES vests. With Madeleine I learned she really loves the colors purple and pink. I haven't actually figured out what Robbie loves besides completely dry clothes. That's the part I don't like. He changes a bit too often just from a drop of water (as have each of my children at this stage). With not having a washer or dryer, that makes things a bit inconvenient. I have learned, though, that when I find a pair of pants that look completely fine (since he changes himself, I find his laundry all over the place) to just hang them up for a little while. He'll want them back when he is sure they're dry.

Well, that's all I have to say for now! I hope everyone is having a lovely weekend so far! :)

A couple of videos:

Baby raspberries:



Here's a video of me tickling Robbie. I don't remember why we were saying, "You too big," over and over, but I know he started it. :o)

A Little Crawling...

Here's a short video of Elizabeth's crawling. You may hear Robbie in the background talking about some shooting game he was playing. I later corrected him due to he isn't allowed to pretend or talk that way! :)

Pictures

Here's a picture update:

Here's my first double stroller. I found it on craigslist.org from a gal who was asking $30. I met her at a grocery store nearby and she told me she was going to lower the price and to make her an offer. I asked her if she'd take $25 and she replied, "How about $20?" I was pretty happy with that deal! This picture was taken during our first walk with our new stroller. You can sort of see Robbie in the back and that's Elizabeth in the front (of course). :)

Elizabeth's sweet little face. She's doing so well sitting up and crawling! My baby is growing up so quickly!

Ethan - my first baby! He's getting to be a big guy. Here he is wearing a sweatshirt I had when I was 7-years-old. I decided it was time to get rid of it when I noticed a little hole it in, but wanted a picture to say, "Ethan wore one of the sweatshirts I used to wear!" I always thought it was more boyish than girlie. :)

A more serious shot of Ethan. That's part of our new kitchen there in the background.

I like this picture of Elizabeth. This is her "really happy" smile. :)

Madeleine and Elizabeth.

Baby raspberries! Elizabeth loves to sit around making them. :)

My Four Cuties

I took a short video of Ethan, Madeleine, Robbie, and Elizabeth playing on the pull out bed the other evening and thought I would share it with all of you:



I'll be posting pictures soon, so be sure to check back when you get a chance! :o)